Funeral

I've sat down a couple of times to write about this but for some reason it has been harder than I thought it would be. I guess because part of me still can't believe this happened. I'm doing a lot better now. I tell everyone that I'm fine and I act all tough but to be honest I still have my moments when tears just come (usually when I'm all alone). And I'm guessing that is normal. At least I hope so. I doubt anyone likes funerals but I'm sure for most it is a healing process. One in which people are able to say goodbye and have closure. I can't say that happened for me. My kids were horrible throughout the majority of the service so I missed most of it. It was a closed casket (which was for the best since the poison basically ruined Sue's body and made it so she was not recognizable) and I've always told myself that I probably couldn't handle an open casket but now I wonder if it helps to physically see the person and know for yourself than just being told. I'm not sure if that made sense. Anyways, I haven't been to many funerals and I'm pretty sure I've only been to one burial site (is that what you would call it?) but that was when I was 12 and I don't remember everything. It seems in the movies they always bury the person with family and friends at the grave site (maybe that is not the norm?) but I was a little upset when they told us they would bury her after we all left. I'm sure it would have been hard to see but I think it would have made it more "real" for me and maybe help with some closure. Am I weird? I did say goodbye but of course it was quick and rushed because I wanted to get Easton back in the car and away from his new sand/dirt box (a recent burial site). I find it interesting how different kids and adults reactions are to the same things. Easton did cry a little when I told him that Gramma Sue died but it didn't take long for him to accept it and move on. He still brings it up every once in a while but it is so easy and natural for him. "Gramma Sue died but she's in heaven." I guess it's because he is closer to the other side. I often wonder how anyone ever gets through a death of someone when they don't have the gospel. It's hard enough for me and I have the knowledge of the gospel. Kids obviously must be closer to the other side because I swear Easton knew something was going to happen to Sue. The Sunday before she died he came up to Nathan and asked if he could call Gramma Sue. Easton doesn't normally ask to talk to people on the phone and of all his grandparents he could have picked he chose Gramma Sue.

I brought my camera with me but for whatever reason I really wasn't in the mood to take any pictures. I'm kind of regretting that. Aunt Stacy took some pictures and sent them to me but I'm having a hard time downloading them so here's at least one picture of me with the kids. I figured I'd post this one for two reasons. The first because it's not very often that I have a picture of me with the kids (I need to do better at this) and two it shows a prego pic of me at 29 weeks (that's pretty close to 28 weeks right?)

Written April 14, 2010